Liv
by jennylyne
Summary: I've read your words, all of them. I believe in passion, I desire passion. I also know how passion costs and it very much did. You are used to getting back up when life damages your soul, and I suppose so am I. It's so much harder this time and I wonder if I haven't simply run out of time.- Elliot finally contacts Olivia
1. Chapter 1

Liv Chapter 1

I don't own the SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"Benson. My office." Cragen stood in the doorway waiting for the expected frustrated response to his direct order. He knew she was tired, they all were. She walked as if she was carrying every one's pain and no one doubted she probably was, in her own way.

"Captain, I know what it looks like and I assure you..."

"This came for you. I thought it would be best if you took it in here." Cragen shut the door behind him leaving her to the privacy of his office.

Olivia stared at the box on her boss' desk. The way her heart picked it's own pace told her who it was from. As she moved closer she easily indentified the handwriting on the letter taped to the outside. It had been nearly two years since she had heard from him. Two years and this is how he chose to contact her. She meant that little to him that he just left without a proper goodbye, but he sends her a package two years later. She had managed to put him away. She had found a way to move on and work with Nick, Amanda and even strengthen her bond with Fin. She was doing okay for herself and he sends her a package.

It seemed easier to just walk away from it. To just ignore the fact that he had contacted her after ignoring her for two years. It seemed like it would be easy but as her hands reached for the letter, her heart fell to the ground._ Liv._ She could hear him call her name through his handwriting and she knew then that it would never be easy between them. It would always be complicated. And it was. Then and even now, two years later. Her fingers trembled against the envelope and she wondered if it was too late to change her mind. It was too late as his familiar scrawl caught her attention. She sat down, not trusting her legs to hold her, not trusting her heart to save her. She sat down to read what he had to say. What he had to say to her after twelve years as partners and what he had to say to her after two years gone.

_Liv,_

_There is a passion for life that is often hidden in the excesses of our day. Passion, the drive to feel, to experience, to love, to hate. We seek a balance in our lives and the person to help us through. How often is it that we do not find what we seek. We all have our escape, a place, a time, a person, who makes us feel. That person is you. I have the place, the beach at night. The pounding surf, beating in time with our hearts. With each beat you let me in-releasing the ugliness of your day, your week, your life. Let me help you experience the passion for life you once had. The passion for love that you have forgotten. The passion for life that now seems to elude you. With each breath you are renewed as our time together continues Each word, each breath, each touch reminds you of what you want, what you need, what you've missed. You don't remember when passion disappeared from your life, but you welcome its return however short the time may be. I believe in passion, I desire passion. I also know how passion costs and it very much did. You are used to getting back up when life damages your soul, and I suppose so am I. It's so much harder this time and I wonder if I haven't simply run out of time._

_El_

Olivia reread the letter before carefully replacing it in the envelope. She opened the box to see several more and knew she would need to leave. She picked up the small box and headed out to her desk where Cragen was patiently waiting. "Captain..."

"Go."

Olivia nodded, glancing once at Nick before grabbing her purse and keys and heading out. She wanted to be alone to read what Elliot had sent. She needed to be alone.

There were many letters, all with her name, his name for her, written on the outside of each letter. She hesitated before opening the next one. It had been two years and she needed to hear what he had to say to her.

_Liv,_

_Kindred Spirits are two people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate experiences similar in nature. Urban dictionary definition. Makes sense, I suppose, if one needs an official explanation. Higher level of consciousness. An existence that is not necessary for others to recognize, realize or even accept. In my mind I am awarded that bond, that special connection. I am allowed to enjoy the security of knowing I am never alone. Never punished for my thoughts, never admonished for my dreams, never criticized for my feelings. Never disappointed in believing in something that will never be, never missing someone I can't see._

_Kindred to me is simple. I hear you, I feel you and of course, I see you. I have seen you from the beginning. I want to close my eyes to you. I wish I could erase what we shared, how we shared. I curse myself for allowing you in. I don't want you to see me, I don't want to feel for you. Yet I would die inside if something happened to you. If you left me alone in this world. You promised you wouldn't. You gave me a piece of your heart. It happens to match the piece you took from mine. I don't know when it happened, I just know it did. Your words told the world, I meant nothing to you. I don't believe you. I read what you wrote, hear what you say, but I don't feel it. Kindred. I will feel it when I mean nothing to you. _

_El_

Olivia's breathing suddenly was forced as she stared at the words in front of her. She could hear his voice but couldn't believe his words. She set the letter aside and opened the next.

_Liv,_

_The world around me was angry. I could hear it, smell it, feel it. The noise was almost deafening, but still I could hear the hurt that was hidden within the rain, the wind, the surf. Still, I entered for where else would I go. The air was heavy and hard to breathe in. Thick with the emotion of all that was and all that is. I didn't force it, just breathed through it until I could stand tall, stand straight, stand strong. It wouldn't last long, I was aware of the pain that pulled from every angle. My healing ground seemed so far from my reach tonight, but still I willed my body forward. _

_It was dark, so dark and I embraced my inability to see. I wanted to run, to let the thick air flood my lungs, burn my throat and make me hurt. I wanted a controlled pain, for that is how I survive. I had to search for the place to start, the surf adjusting my path in answer to the anger of the storm. I didn't run long, couldn't before I was warned. My skin was soaked with sweat as the humidity was present despite the rain and the wind. I looked up, letting the water run down my face. It was nice for just a few seconds as the pain of my actions reminded me that I was still alive. Still alive and still feeling and it was then that I realized I would never have any control over anything._

_I walked then as if I would return to where I started but I really couldn't tell where that was. I like being everywhere and nowhere at once. Lost in a sense, but knowing exactly where I was. I was soaked and carefully I removed my shirt. Nobody would see how I hurt, not here, not tonight. The darkness was my disguise and I was so very grateful for just that. Love hurts. I believe it wasn't supposed to, but yet it did, time and time again. I refused to cry and insisted on believing I wasn't. The rain, yet another perfect disguise. _

_I love it here. I've always loved it here. It helps, it heals. Tonight it hurts._

_I invited you here remember. I shared my escape with you and you told me you you felt it. Told me you got it and that you got me. I believed you, I still do. I have to turn sideways as the wind forces the rain to come in at an angle. I can feel when the wind takes a breath for there is a brief delay in how the rain punishes my body. Damn, how I hurt. I smile despite the pain, as I remember bringing you here with me. I had never saw you, but I felt you here. Almost like I could feel you now. _

_El_

Olivia hadn't realized the tears that had formed and then fallen until they showed up on the paper she held in her hands. She continued, she knew there would be no way she wouldn't.

_Liv,_

_Come with me. We don't have to go together, we just need to go. Sometimes company is not needed or even wanted, but I want you to take some time for you and I will do the same. We'll leave the world behind us, refuse to turn and face it. We can hear it though, but we smile knowing it won't be much longer before it will seemingly disappear taking every point of stress with it. The sun is hot but the sand doesn't burn your feet. It instead is inviting and surprisingly strong. It not only invites you, it holds you upright. So strong despite it's softness against your skin. Go ahead, lie down, relax. You've earned it, you deserve it. Remember, it doesn't burn. Doesn't burn, doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts._

The sun is warming and you can feel it on your body. It repairs, it soothes. It brightens your thoughts, but it doesn't burn. Doesn't burn, doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. You can see how it glistens off the water, no need to squint. No need for glasses to protect; no need for protection. You can see it all. Not afraid to look, not afraid to stare. Not afraid. Let it warm you, let it heal. It will if you let it, it's heat is comforting. You deserve to be comforted, you deserve to be warm.

Listen to the water as it crashes onto the shore. It's loud, but not at all startling. It makes the same sound each time it lands not far from your feet, covering then leaving only to come again. Almost providing a soundtrack of relaxing music reminding you that this could be paradise; could be your paradise if you let it. The sounds are surrounding and you close your eyes against it. You can trust it not to intrude on your solace, it wouldn't do that. Just accompany, maybe protect even when protection is not needed.

There are people. They maybe have come for the same reason, maybe not. Maybe they haven't realized just yet. Maybe you haven't, but you will. The people won't bother, won't scare, won't intimidate. They won't touch, need or demand. There are no demands, not of you. Nobody to please, nobody to protect, nobody to impress. Nobody that will holler your name in anger, nobody will demand your attention. Not today. At least not for a bit. Take it, you deserve it.

You can leave when you're ready. Whenever you want to, not when you need to. No guilt for wishing, needing and hoping for a little time in a paradise that exists if you allow it to. It's realistic for the amount of time you want it to be. Allow your paradise to rejuvenate. Maybe look at that child and know that he or she can't see the guilt, shame, pain and fear that rules your everyday. Know that they only see the strength, power, and beauty that is you. Their eyes are open wide when they call for you, when they need you. No demands, they just want to experience what you have to give. Innocence never takes, it accepts. It's when we forget that, when we resent being taken from, that we need to come back.

_You told me you were able to escape through the words to a place seemingly created just for us. I wonder if you still visit, still escape or if you find the need to block out such a haven. So many people come here, yet so few know of here and nobody knows of our world. It's sacred in a way, makes it almost fantasy like, yet it's real. It's real, I can assure you as the sand is soaked under me and my body sinks just a little. I don't want to leave, I don't have to. Nobody would be out here tonight, the weather daring anybody to visit. I'm ignored it seems, almost as if dark beach was waiting for me. _

_El_


	2. Chapter 2

Liv Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The box was bigger than needed to package the letters that were arranged in an order that seemed intentional. Olivia was careful to preserve that order as she sifted through the envelopes, each one with her name staring back at her. His writing, his words, his voice. She wanted to see him, hear him and feel him. She had been wanting that for two years now and this was the best he could do. The best he would do and she wasn't sure she could be angry with him right now. She thought maybe she wanted to, but as she selected another letter anger was the last thing she was feeling for Elliot Stabler.

_Liv,_

_It is time once again. This time our little time of paradise is cold. You've made it there once again, the wind is howling, angry almost. It is dark, so dark, you can't focus on anything so don't bother. The air is threatening almost as it forces you to breathe deeply, which reminds you of why you needed to come. You feel the damp air settle into your lungs and it reminds you of how tight your chest gets and broken your heart has been. Yet, you continue on knowing somehow you will heal here, despite what the darkness suggests. The sand is cold, you expected it would be damp. It gives under your feet only a bit, supporting without struggle. You want to see, but find that it is not necessary to feel. You feel alone, but aren't lonely. You smile only because of the impossibility of such a statement. Loneliness is a constant for you, irregardless of the crowds of one or more._

_I made it, Liv. You're not alone, if you let me join, share. My chest is heavy and my back is tight. The world gets heavy and before long it crushes desires. No need for words and the wind you accepted as angry is now comforting. It provides the background for solace. It is so dark here, but you can hear what you think you need to see. I can hear you breathing next to me as we begin. It's comforting to know you're there, despite no proof. Fear of the unknown, fear of the dark, neither an obstacle as we begin. We begin to accept healing alone, together._

_As we breathe deeper, we can taste the serenity that is only ours, only for a short time. It is enough we know, enough to force us upright, enough to strengthen. Your breathing is labored as your pace is steady, strong beside mine. I worry you may be hurting, I want to see you to make sure you're not. It's as if my request is granted when I begin to see images of hope, images of peace as the sun begins to make an appearance. The world will soon be joining us and once again we will be prepared for the trust we have come to accept is apparent. There is enough natural light now that I can appreciate the strength you own, you give. It's all there beside me and I am relieved to know your breathing was only encouragement, not pain, work, or discomfort. Selfless breathing, selfless being. _

_The sun brightens and warms quickly and it is much accepted. Life is once again beckoning, even demanding so soon. As much as we want to stay, we are ready to return, face it, destroy it if possible. If not we will return, here is always there, we know that, we believe that. I never saw you arrive and I don't feel you leave. I am alone, alone with my thoughts, fears and desires. Loneliness is less fatal on my courage when it's supported, the sand is giving, it holds. I wish the tranquil atmosphere has enveloped you in a protective armour as you return to your reality. I wonder if it has and my questions are immediately silenced when the sand gives just a little. Still strong, still holding, yet so very giving. I breathe in deep knowing you have taken some of this with you, you will continue to stand upright, continue to present strong.  
You let me know when you wish to return. It's always here, waiting to be needed, trusted. Paradise is only as real as we want or need it to be. You don't have to see it to feel it, you don't have to breathe it to taste it. You have to break to repair, it knows what you need, even if you don't. I stand tall as I leave our time, knowing I will see you again in this darkness, in this peaceful existence. There's a reason. I believe it._

_El_

Olivia stared at the letters still unopened. There was no way of knowing when each one was written. If they were written all together or if there were days, weeks or even months in between each one. She wondered if it really mattered. He was sharing with her something that he trusted she would understand. Something he needed her to understand. He was talking to her in a way he believed she would feel him and he knew her. He knew her well and she felt him deep. She opened the next letter.

_Liv,_

_I still believe in our dark beach. There's a reason for it and that's for us to define. You knew of dark beach long before I showed you and I believe in some ways you knew of me. You couldn't know my name or who I was, but you knew me. You believed there had to be somebody out there that understood you, somebody that simply got you. You wanted to believe that even when you found me, but I felt your doubt. Maybe it was my doubt that I felt for I struggled to believe there was anybody that would understand me. I accepted you and I trusted you. I believed you felt the same. You called me friend and I knew the importance of that to you. I knew of you long before I met you. I couldn't know your name or who you were, but I knew you._

_Olivia, you know what time it is. Your body tells you, your mind warns you and your heart leads you. Come with me, just for a little while or for whatever amount of time you need. Time isn't measured where we go, demands aren't recognized and fear is non-existent. My head is heavy, my body fighting me as I am well aware of the damage that has been done. I hear it in your voice when you speak, you know of my pain, you experience my world. This world is so angry and the weight sometimes crushing as it is often too heavy to lift alone. I believe this is why you are here, why we are here, why we choose to come here, alone, together._

_It's been too long again, since we've come. Come to a place we've come to know as comfortable, as safe, as ours. The weather is perfect, Liv, anything different would be accepted though as we know how it its here. Perfect. I can hear the waves crashing hard tonight, the sound almost suggesting that the breeze should be a stronger wind. It's a gentle breeze and it invites and encourages, so it is not a struggle to leave the world behind._

_I just want to lie down, doesn't matter that there is only loose sand to serve as a blanket. My body is tired, so very tired and I don't have to support any more weight if I lie still. I stare up at the sky, it's dark, there's nothing to see but a few seemingly displaced stars. They remind me that there's no need to look, to watch, to protect or guard. There's only a need to feel, to accept and to believe. I know you're here as well. I felt you join me, I felt you surrender your stresses when you took your place in the sand beside me. I saved you a seat, Olivia, always._

_The surf slows a bit, as if on cue to match our breathing. It's not an angry crushing landing, the water as it threatens to reach us with each pass. It doesn't, it won't, we know this. It is easy to trust here, we've learned this. I want to stop breathing, just for a few seconds. I want to hear you breathe deep. Want to know for sure that you can, that your soul is accepting of the elements, the healing, the company. I hear you, I hear you surrender, it helps me do the same. The pain that has had a hold of my every being is swallowed by the sea, leaving me content to just lie still. I pray it has done the same for you._

_I love it when it's dark, the unknown never as scary as what we've come to know, come to expect, come to fear. It's the darkness that so often protects and it's doing that now. I fight against the urge to touch you, to prove to myself that you are truly real, truly here. I startle as I feel your hand on mine, not realizing you may have needed that same contact, that same reassurance. I startle, but am not scared. Never scared, no fear. Your touch is comforting, and the heat from it is soothing, healing, never burning. I only hope that you have received the same from me, that I would be able to give you a sense of calming peace with simply a reassuring touch._

_You're strong, I love that you are. Your body so exhausted and I feel the fatigue you fight with my every day. It's very much the same and I know you are aware of this. I can see you despite the darkness of the night, at least I believe it to be night, don't much care what time it is. Your eyes are dark, black maybe given the absence of any light, though not soulless. Never soulless. I can see deep within you through your eyes, Liv. You have so much to say, so much to share and it's all right there. Just have to know where to look, how to look, I do._

_I could lie here forever, we both know we are only afforded a small amount of time away, a small amount of time together. Our wounds heal and pain doesn't exist. You squeeze my hand and it is truly comforting. No pain, never pain here. I feel your breathing change when we realize it is time to go, time to return. It's the only discomfort I have felt since we've arrived. Hang onto the peace for just a bit longer. Don't let the angry, demanding world drain you of what you so desperately need, so definitely deserve. I smile at you, hoping for one in return, hoping you will feel it in your soul. I believe you did for I can tell. Your eyes actually smiled when you looked at me. Your smile reached your eyes and I know with that we are good. Maybe just for a while, but that is okay. We'll return when we need to. When we want to. Thanks for coming my friend. I'm glad you came._

_El_

Olivia stared at Elliot's familiar handwriting. She watched as her fingers traced what his motions must have been as he wrote. She felt as if she had been sucked into his dreams, his fantasy. She felt it was intentional and suddenly she was angry. Still she could not see him, still she could not hear him, yet she could feel him. She could feel the way he was reaching for her just as sure as she felt the way he pushed her away. She hated that she felt anything for him for he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve for her to love him the way she did, the way she wasn't supposed to or allowed to. The way she tried so hard not to. He abandoned her and she was doing just fine. She was doing just fine without him.

How dare him send her these letters. How dare him expect she would be so affected. How did he know she would be so affected. She watched as her fingers now opened the next letter. She knew that he knew she wouldn't be able not to.

_Liv,_

_I miss you, Olivia. I do. I accept the way it is and how it will always be, but never does that mean I don't think of you and revisit our created sanctuary. I can't know exactly how you feel or felt, and maybe I am not meant to. I couldn't know exactly how I'd feel and maybe I wasn't meant to know that either._

_It surprises me that you find peace, comfort even in a place that was created seemingly just for us. I question how it is that you see what I see, hear what I hear and your needs are often very similar to my own. I found this place not be accident but by necessity and it still surprises me when you want to experience just a bit of paradise with me._

_Alright, Liv, never a need to ask. Just need to recognize the signs, realize the damage and allow your mind to relax. Just show up, never need permission. This is your dark beach...I'll meet you there._

_The night noise weakens you, daily demands have accumulated causing you to fight against what is expected of you in favor of what your body and soul so desperately needs. No demands, no stresses, no pressure. Not from me, not from here, not tonight. Its dark as you approach, darker even as you enter but still your body travels in spite of the damage, the pain and the fatigue. The city chaos quickly fades instantly replaced by the comforting sounds of pounding surf as it swallows the invisible shoreline. You close your eyes, allowing the night colors to match what you see when you allow your mind to accept such beauty. You open your eyes wanting to see what total peace looks like. It is exactly as you hoped, dark, so dark that all you can see is what you can hear. What you hear is what you need._

_I see the same darkness, feel the same healing sounds. My breathing is controlled, tonight I can do that. Yours is labored, I hear it, I feel it. I pray you relax alongside my presence, shared strength is what we've come to know. I long to see you as you allow your body what it needs to repair. I can feel you as your breathing begins to level out, your muscles relax and you accept that this is allowed. You are allowed to be here. Allowed to be here with me. Nobody gets hurt this way, nobody gets angry._

_We sit close as we watch what we can only hear. No time restraints, no deadlines, no curfews. No harsh words, no hard hands. Its just me and I know you don't have to see me to know I am there. You asked me to join you; I will every time._

_Its so very easy to block out the world from where we are, so easy to forget how much we have to be to so many. Its allowed here, we have come for just that. I wonder as I listen to your now controlled breathing how you got in. I don't need an answer._

_The waves seem to roll in faster, the water making its way to where we are. We should move but neither is ready so it isn't long before its too late. I can feel your breathing, hear your peace, taste your kiss. We should stop but neither is ready so it isn't long before its too late._

_Its allowed here, to share our strength, experience a passion that can only be shared here.  
Reality says its not allowed. Its not right, not fair. The world we disappeared from has managed to find us. You belong to another I'm sure and I always had been unavailable and that made physical impossible. Here is for you, for me, for us. It is allowed if kept to ourselves and it will remain in our paradise. You're real, I felt it. You got in, I know it. It can never be, I accept it._

_Breathe deep, slowly if necessary but always controlled. You know what's allowed and what isn't. Doesn't matter here, only we do._

_El_


	3. Chapter 3

Liv Chapter 3

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia left the letters on the table as she walked the short distance to her window. The weather was bad tonight, the rain punishing the streets below her. She wondered where he was tonight, right now. She wondered if he was watching the same show and wondering about her.

_Liv,_

_The storm growls and I feel the anger in it's voice. I'm not afraid and for a brief few moments I wonder why. I'm angry I think, maybe more hurt. It's confusing how I feel, one emotion becoming one in the same. I let people in, I shouldn't. I let them in and they bring me joy until they don't. Until just their existence hurts. Then their absence threatens and then does break my heart. _

_I crave your voice sometimes, you always sounded so strong even when you couldn't breathe. You functioned broken so often that your voice accepted your world. Your mind always right where you wanted and needed it to be. You say you loved me, she said she loved me. Love is used when there's no other way to describe. No other way to understand. Love hurts, I think I've already admitted that. Kindred is also used when there's no other way to describe. I can't explain, I'd rather not._

_El_

There wasn't another page to that letter, yet Olivia looked for it nonetheless. She listened to the rain outside as she felt his words inside. She had wanted to hear him talk to her like this for years, but it just wasn't allowed, accepted or necessary. He was her partner and she loved him as that. She loved him and he knew it. She loved him and he left her. Olivia thought about putting the letters away. He was controlling her emotions and those same emotions were controlling her. She didn't like it; the loss of control. She opened the next letter.

_Liv,_

_The air that is pushed up against me again and again is neither too warm nor too cold. Its comforting and easily reminds me this is where I should be.  
I chose a different spot tonight to enter, almost as if that alone would change what I know, how I feel. It only reminds me of who I once was and how I once loved. Many years ago, this is where she and I would come to...dark beach. This is where I knew passion, this is where I had chosen to forget. A broken heart left a wounded soul, you were right to call it just that.  
The scenery has changed quite a bit over the years, almost disguising what my mind has worked to erase. I make the journey to where it is familiar, to where time cant change. I am tentative to sit knowing the sight, sounds and feelings that will invade me, but I am so much stronger now. I have to believe that, sometimes it is all I have.  
You came here as I hoped you would. I wonder briefly how you knew where I'd be. My heart begins to slow just by your presence for I know it will be okay to feel again. My doubts about going back are replaced by what is now and the wind circles us both now. I remember the wind, always present here, always comforting.  
I must live with it, she said. Live with the fact she has escaped her hell. Live with the fact she has left me. Live knowing I will not hear her or see her. Knowing it doesn't matter how she affected me, how her words so often made me smile. How I cringed seeing her so wounded and how she wouldn't let me touch her. She wanted me to I believe, but she moved just enough as if her pain would be contagious. I felt her pain mixed in with my own that day, I couldn't breathe. She sensed that as she forced her strength onto me. She stood tall despite her world and she smiled despite her pain. I never saw her again, but I always see her smile._

_I wonder if you feel my concern for you. Your eyes tell a story and I read that story one page at a time. You only look for so long, as if you can control how much is shared. She was you in a lot of ways, yes, but she controlled easily how much her eyes told. Perhaps she was ahead of us in that way. You know how your eyes betray you, I know as well. We trust each other yet neither allow the other to look too long._

_The darkness settles around us and the night air grows cooler. I am grateful for the company, your presence and I long to tell you. I worry, wondering if you too will leave but your position is encouraging. I want to believe you and I need proof, the darkness preventing me from reading what your eyes say. I sense you are grateful for that as I am relieved as well hoping you will not see the pain I'm sure bleeds through mine.  
The waves crash on shore repeatedly and it us hard to hear for the sounds that accompany the water as it approaches over and over again. I think I could sit here forever. I wish I could stay here longer, I wish you didn't have to leave._

_I can feel you shift next to me and I'm encouraged to reach out for you. I expect you to move just a bit, just out of reach like she did. You hold still, as if you know I need to feel you. As if you know I need proof that you are real and that you are here with me. Tonight I need proof, tonight I need more._

_I felt passion here before, I rarely let myself remember how I loved. You're allowed to feel here, it's safe. I wonder if you feel safe. I wonder if you're okay. I hope you're truly okay with being here, being here with me. I wonder if you trust me to protect you, let you have this place, this time. You control your heart and you can control your world. It's hard, so very hard, but so very necessary. You don't belong to me, you don't belong with me. I know this, yet still I take a chance. I trust you to protect my world and its when I'm close enough to see your eyes in spite of the complete darkness that I see you trust me as well._

_You let me move in and kiss you. I'm scared, worried, nervous, needing. The waves and the water seem to grow louder as if reminding us we're safe here. Nobody gets hurt here, nobody. I don't see it coming, but I suddenly feel your hand on my face. I always flinch at such contact, years of soft words, hard hands. I don't this time, instead I cringe as you pull back. I immediately worry that I have over stepped and you do not want to feel me this way. I search your face, but simply can't see you. Tell me, what do you want?_

_El_

Olivia felt a slight panic begin at the base of her throat. He was talking about Kathy, he was talking about her. He went from what was real to what he imagined, maybe hoped. He needed her, his letters all but telling her to come to him. She hated how her gut was yelling at her that it was too late. Where are you, El?

_Liv,_

_The darkness here is never scary, never threatening. It's peaceful and inviting so I once again allow myself to relax against the sounds of surrender. It's easy to drop the guarded stare and let what I cannot see surround me. No fear, not here._

_I'm not alone, I suddenly feel the shift in my breathing as you enter our specific paradise. I know you recognize how comforting the sounds of total natural darkness can be. I see you despite my inability to focus; you relax instantly and that alone makes my heart rest. You showed up my friend, I knew you would. I hoped you would._ _I wonder briefly why it has taken so long to return, we know how just a little time here heals the damage that threatens our very being. I slow my own breathing in an effort to hear yours over the crashing waves that continuously roll onto the saturated sand. The water stops just short of our feet and we trust that it will. I hear you breathing, slow, steady, deep breaths. It's enough for me to know you are here, you are safe._ _No running tonight, no urgency at all. We could sit here forever, letting what we feel be allowed. No rules, no demands, no expectations. No hard hands to strip away what little resolve that remains._ _I feel you as your presence is only comforting. I try to tell you that I need you, need you to stay strong. I can only wonder if you would hear me, feel me. It's allowed here, to feel, to wish, to dream. To question what it is that keeps us coming back to spend just a little while together. Just a little time without fighting. This is our place and there is nothing to fear, not here. Feeling is allowed, no reason to fear emotion. My heart grows heavy as the sun warns us. Reality will soon disrupt and I find myself almost begging for just a little more time. Your breathing changes and my thoughts are of you as I know you too are slowly preparing to leave me. I dread the end, but am hopeful the visit would be enough to sustain you._ _I feel you as you stand over me. You're going to leave now, you have to I know. Life's demands; how we wish they didn't exist. If only things were different, that is all that is allowed in reality._

_I take your hand, after refusing to move. I want to stay forever, but you and I both know. You're strong Olivia, your grip is tight. I trust you as I allow you to bring me to my feet. The strength I admire is shared and I am grateful for you. You don't say goodbye, you don't say anything. There's no need, I hear you. Yes, I will see you again, right here, whenever you need to show up._

_I force myself to my feet. I brace against the wind and the rain that has yet to cease. I slowly put my soaked shirt back on, instantly remembering how restricting a soaked tshirt can be. It's okay, I have to accept restrictions. It's strange as I look down at the sand where I had sat to watch the surf roll in over and over again. I thought I saw the same impression in the sand right next to where I was. I felt foolish but found myself touching the sand and realizing it was dry. I didn't expect you to show. I never would've asked. I am facing what is ahead of me alone, I knew this when I read your words so clear. I have to let go, I know and I will someday when I am strong enough to stand alone. Tonight you knew I wasn't strong enough, for I believe you sat with me. _

_El_


	4. Chapter 4

Liv Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

She fought with the way his words seemed to dance on the page before her, her inability to focus becoming increasingly irritating. Olivia stood, fully prepared to walk away from his words, his letters, his attempts. She became frustrated at the fact that she couldn't walk away. She couldn't, yet somehow he could. Somehow he did and now he contacts her. She turned away only to return to the box and his words.

_Liv,_

_The world had proven too much, too hard, too cold. I ask but can only wonder, I can no longer see. You survive time and time again, your soul wounded; pain is all you feel. You cry no tears, voice no fears and you struggle just to breathe. I hear you in my thoughts, your voice committed to my mind. I see you in my head, always hoping for a little more time. You try to smile when it simply hurts to be, you refuse to bother, always hoping, always trying and never failing to protect me. You wanted me to trust you, you were strong enough to take what I had to give. You wanted to help me, to heal, to smile, to survive the life we lived. You reach out and are simply beaten down each and every time. You return to your hell, leaving me alone in mine._

_I think about you often, wondering why I just couldn't tell you goodbye. I worry about your constantly, wishing you could tell me why. I rarely shared my past, my secrets I kept buried inside. I didn't trust you to be there for me, how I wished I tried. Maybe you read my words more than once, maybe more than you should, maybe again and again. I know the time has to be right, only you can know exactly when. You deserve to escape, to take yourself away from your every day; your world is hard and often cruel, how I wish you'd find a way._

_You're strong and your spirit fights it's way through the dark, I saw your soul so easily when we walked through the park. Your eyes told a story, if only I was aware enough to hear. I only saw what you allowed me to see, your smile showed no fear. Now my mind holds a picture of what you tried so hard to hide; the pain, the shame, the guilt and the fear you kept inside. Your voice was filled with so much hope, soon replaced with regret. Your friendship, our partnership, you, I could never forget._

_El_

Olivia allowed herself to sit back, allowed her body to be absorbed by her couch. Her conditioning told her to sort this all out, to take it letter by letter. That there was a message and a reason, a purpose for writing these letters, like this, right now. She forced her thoughts away from her fears, her suspicions that something had happened or was soon to. She refused to believe he could and would do such a thing. He wanted to talk to her, without shame, guilt and humiliation. She would never cast any of the those things onto him, she knew this. She knew this and she believed he did as well. How she hoped he did.

Olivia sat up straight and with a deep sigh, retrieved the next letter from the box. The way her gun shifted slightly on her hip reminded her of the fact she had yet to relax since arriving home. She needed to relax, she needed to relax so that she could listen to him. It seemed that was what he wanted. She removed her gun and gently placed it on the table next to the box. She'd secure it after this next letter. There was no hurry, she felt there was no hurry.

_Liv,_

_I didn't always want to be an officer, a boyhood dream of being like my father. My passions weren't clear, my desires often unconquered. I did what was expected, what was honorable, what was necessary. I was stand up, had to be for there was no other way. Never let the job define you. How often had we heard that through the course of our careers. You were not the job, despite the job managing to creep down deep within your veins. We didn't bleed blue anymore, now where we served and survived. We bled an off-color black that threatened to contaminate our hearts on it's return. I recognized the mixture that flowed freely through our hearts and minds. I recognized the forced strength, the necessary facade, the disguise of the badge. It was easy to see if you knew where to look and you did, I did. You were your job then and I can only image that much more so now. I would take my gun and put it away every night as if somehow not seeing what I used to protect my body could somehow protect against destroying my soul. I always noticed the way my fingers curled around the handle of my department issued piece as if by owning it I could recognize the inner peace it provided me. I rarely did and I still don't. I leave it out now, just so I can see. _

_When, Olivia? When did you allow your position to overcome your purpose? When did I?_

_El_

Olivia carefully folded Elliot's letter. She let her fingertips run over the creases in the paper before returning it to its specific envelope. It was then that she let her eyes fall onto her own gun as it stared back at her, taunting her in a comforting way if that was at all possible.

_Liv,_

_Tonight the air is heavy, I feel it as I stumble through the sand. It's hard to breathe, hard to see and I can almost feel you take my hand. I knew I'd find her here, so it made perfect sense to show up to a place I knew she loved and in her mind often went. I try to breathe deep wishing that would be enough to bring her here. I feel you do the same as my eyes scan the darkness, hoping to feel her near. The water sounds angry as it continuously crashes up onto the shore, the wind blows strong and I brace against her fight that I know is no more. _

_She would refuse to cry, feeling as if she didn't deserve such a release. Her world was filled with pain and even fear, not much joy, never much peace. The night air surrounds me, it's heavy and hard as I guess in a way I always knew her fears. It sounds like pain, feels like rain and finally she allows me to see her tears._

_The rain is hard at first, I patiently endure as I know it is her finding her way. I would give anything to hear her voice again, so quiet but with so much to say. She presented so strong, I can feel her strength as we walked together in the park. Such an inspiring spirit, such a beautiful soul, I need to feel her here in the dark. _

_You allowed such a wounded soul to invade your heart, an angel she often said. A connection she needed so desperately, a friend who's words stayed in her head. The rain begins to slow and even now I feel she would worry about how we grieve; such a selfless nature, she would know we were hurting and encourage us to leave. I don't want to leave here, leave her and your position next to me says the same. There's a need to be here, we both feel her loss and all I can say is I'm glad you came. She entered my world, invaded my heart in a way I'll never be able to understand. Now she has left me and despite the peace I hope she feels, that could never have been her plan. The devil has won, she had to know that eventually he would end the game, still she fought against his world, protecting her mind, accepting the pain. She fought alone despite how we tried to help, she died alone without us there. I can feel my heart bleeding for her as I sit here with you, paying because we cared._

_It is still now, the water, the wind have calmed to a peaceful display of hope. It's what we need we realize as we struggle alone together and find a way to cope. I let her in and now she's gone, I wanted to help her, wanted to deny her fate. Instead I sit without moving and barely breathing crying silently for I know it's too late. You knew her in a way I couldn't, in a way she felt I shouldn't. She told you things that she needed to say, but to me she simply wouldn't. I felt so helpless, eventually giving in to the hopeless future that she faced alone. Wishing things were so very different, even praying she'd make it here, make it home._

_The sounds of the water, the feel of the sand and the comforting warm breeze were all enough to heal our hearts, give us hope and help us all to breathe. I could hear her breathing evenly as I'm sure you could as well, she looked my way almost asking, she wanted to talk to you, I could tell. She spoke in words I didn't know but I knew you heard her clear; she talked with you in a way that freed her heart, her voice showed no fear. I listened to you respond and her eyes smiled as she listened to your voice;_

_she spoke to you, she spoke to me, both were here for her, no need to make a choice. _

_The rain started again and it was heavy and hard against our skin. She watched our faces carefully, thanking us for letting her in. The thunder was angry as it rang out loudly against the surf; she told us with her eyes, he wouldn't win, not this fight, not on her turf. Her arms were strong around me and I tried to hold on through the rain; she was free now and I felt how she wanted me to feel the same. I watched as her arms surrounded you and you struggled in the same way, we both knew she wouldn't leave us, she'd be there to fight, to play. She backed away slowly making sure we took our time. We had wanted to see her for so long, this time was yours and mine. She waved at us with both hands before leaving us together alone; I matched your smile with my own, we knew she finally made it home._

_She lived a life not her own, until she could no longer and I suppose I have done the same. You, I couldn't see, but I felt you through my pain. I wonder if I have abandoned you in the same ways as I always felt she had done to me and I know I will never really know. When did our positions overcome our purpose, that too I will never really know._

_El_


	5. Chapter 5

Liv Chapter 5

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The desire to go to him, to help him, to simply just hold him if that was what he needed was great. Olivia could go to his mothers, but she doubted he would be there. It would be too easy and if his letters weren't intended to be mysterious, then he was using them to express, to share, to talk to her. Why couldn't he just come to her, he had to know she would never turn him away. Never.

_Liv,_

_Partners. There was always something different about the way you care for your partner. It's an accepted responsibility, an understanding, a look. You felt it, I knew as you never hesitated at my side. I loved my wife and my children, they truly were my world. You felt that too, I recognized your every attempt to preserve what was mine. My anger often came from nowhere, yet you managed to work around it when possible, face it head on when it there wasn't a way to avoid it and your strength in the face of rage was often inspiring. I never told you how I felt, there really was no need. As long as you stood beside me, I believed you knew how I felt. _

_Time stood still, even if just for a few moments, but long enough for me to see you. I saw you, Liv and it may have been without permission and for that I apologize. For the first time in so many years, I saw you as more than my partner, my lifeline, my friend. I saw you. I saw that there was still a bit of a temper concealed under a cool sophisticated appearance. A certain coldness that kept pain just far enough away. You were so controlled in your emotions, showing too little, hiding too much. You looked at life from a distance; almost as if watching, not living. There is a need to live, to love, to feel. I know that now, more than ever, and maybe you do too._

_Our reality is too unsettling after so much time has passed. Too much imagining, too much dreaming. I have to clear up this misconception, I want to present an accurate picture somehow. I believe you dream, and I believe you dream with such passion but they are then suppressed by a conservative protection. You protect yourself from everything, everyone and that is good. There are more nerves in you than you let show. You have a tight control on your emotions and that may not always be so good._

_I dream a lot now. I allow my mind to let me escape in such a way that sometimes I hurt, but mostly I smile. I dream of you, I hope you don't mind. I miss you, Liv, in a way that is expected of a partner, but in a way that is inappropriate as well. I sleep now, without the pressure of the unknown, the constant struggle to be ready and the fatigue that results from both. I sleep and I dream. I dream of you._

_The sight of you touches something inside of me. There's a desire there that clouds reality and I have to fight for distance. There is a certain power in your eyes and then in your arms. You are soft and strong; a very arousing combination. I can feel you have needs and I have no choice but to respond. I can tell you are guarded for this is not what you wanted or expected; a loss of your own power. I can tell you want to ignore your feelings; continue as if there weren't any brewing inside of you. I can feel you, Liv, and I can see you. It's always interesting to watch a strong person lose control and as rewarding to see a weakened person reclaim it. You amaze me by your ability to do and be both those people all at once. I continue the battle inside my heart and mind. I doubt you are aware of the passion in your eyes as you speak to me. Once you are too close to my core, you'll never be free. You know this, I can tell, yet you stay in front of me. In front of me where I can see you so very clearly._

_After reliving past experiences and emotions, it would be inevitable. It seems you hurt, the loss of your heart is a painful sensation, I know this as fact. You can't possibly know when therefore impossible to protect against, but you realize there is no comparable emotion. Your own emotions are too strong for your longing needs, I watch as your fears come crashing down. You use sarcasm and denial as a means of protection; of defense. Being loved is easy; it's the loving that is difficult and how you hate to hurt. How I hate to hurt and how I hate it that much more for you._

_You wanted to need me, but seem afraid of your own needs. You wanted to be angry with me, but just couldn't seem to fight your way past he need for me. You fought for control even when there appeared to be no need for a struggle. Being in love made it difficult to harness emotions; but that much more necessary. You have too much power over my heart, body and mind. You gave me your love before, but not your strength. You question your strength as you compare to mine. A combination similar to melody and harmony. Music can be so full of power; and it can be one of the greatest pleasures of life._

_Frustration made your voice as hot as the anger within it. It was basic fear that prevented you from speaking what was in your heart. I love you too much for my own piece of mind. It's only a dream, a hear the words from an unknown voice that threatens to destroy my fantasy. I don't let him, it's not easy. I look at you and I see you. How I love to look at you. You tend to associate love and pain together with power and fear. A distinct struggle between love and need, romance and security. When you love, you're vulnerable; you find it difficult to love fearlessly. It's always a familiar dream that interrupts and my mind struggles to reject it. My mind tries to push the image aside, but never with any success. I fight for control when there's isn't a need. Your drive and strength make it difficult to remember fragility. Every time I thought I had power over you, I was caught in yours. I love you and am able to announce it with clear conviction. I feel strong with a powerful heart. I feel you as you surrender to my gentle force. You mind is free as is your heart and you love with an intensity that I recognize. A intense force that was there all along, she disguised. Passion has many colors and pain many shades. Sometimes it all blends together and I realize reality is what I make it. Rules are to guide, but life is to live. It was a dream I realize when I wake, my reality disappointing. It was only a dream._

_El_

Olivia refused to fold the letter and replace it with the rest. She could feel the tears as the flowed freely and she wondered how she even managed to see his words. It was only a dream and that was their reality. She knew this and he did as well. The overwhelming feeling of danger or despair was enough to force her to her feet as she headed to the window once again. The rain was falling steady, not much of a storm but a release. Olivia carried the letter back to the box, taking special care to mark it as it would be one she'd read again. There were many more and she wondered why he had bothered. She thought to grab the last one. She had to know if he was alright, it had been so long since she had any new of him and even longer since she had heard his voice. He wouldn't want that as he was talking to her. She knew this and she loved it. She loved it when he talked to her, but now she dreaded each letter as her fingers reached for the next. She couldn't not read each one. His voice came through each page and she knew it was important to him that she hear him. She carefully opened the next letter, her hands seemingly on their own mission.

_Liv,_

_What am I supposed to do, I can't sleep again tonight. My body is tired, my soul is spent, I dread the early light. I close my eyes and pray the darkness is good to me, my mind needs rest, my heart needs help, please just let me be. When I sleep, I dream and everything seems so real. I can hear your voice, see your face and even your touch I can feel. Sometimes I like the night, it's my time to be alone with you. But you're not real, you're not here and there's nothing I can do._

_I hold my breath to keep from crying out from all the pain I feel. I feel your hands on my face, knowing this is only a dream, not at all real. I let my mind take me back to a time when love was truly mine, when life was good, words were kinds and we never crossed that line. I go now to a place where the sun is warm, the air is hot and the sand soft against my skin. Where my nerves are calm, my heart is full and my soul is free to win. A sacred place for when I need to escape, a place created in my mind. Where my hopes are good, my thoughts are better and my world is much more kind._

_I can hear your voice above the surf, never loud always clear. I can see your smile, I smile as well despite the hurt, pain and fear. You knew this place a while ago, it once a special place for you. Now it's where I go alone to fly, to cry, to try to think things through. My world is rocked against my very core, I hurt from deep within. I wonder how much longer I can last if I have to pay for every sin. My hands remind me of what I've done in an effort to find my way. My pain just a reminder of what I must live with every day._

_El_


End file.
